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Stoner’s Survivors Guide: You’re Too High At the Grocery Store

mf this shit just hit me so gd hard

We’ve all been there. You’re in the middle of aisle 9, and somewhere between the Captain Crunch and whatever new flavor of cheerios was invented during the latest covid variant, you realize your decision-making skills are perhaps just a wee-bit compromised. The stoner lifetime is full of these moments, and they happen because Not All Weed Is the Same. What does that mean? Well it means a lot. It means the way you intake cannabis affects the way you experience the onset, but also the strain you’re using, and even the setting you’re taking it in, can create a whole different high, and that can mean a different “oh sh*z” moment at the grocery store when you almost forgot about it.

Today we’re going to go into how to survive a random come-up in a grocery store, and how knowing your weed can help you predict just a little bit more about these situations.


Try to quickly budget

woman in grocery store high af, "bitch tf I'm broke"

The facts are the food will cost money, and it is extremely hard to budget when you are baked. Try to see if you can quickly remember how broke you are (or how not broke you are) before you fill up your cart with your hearts desires. Being stoned is great for being creative, and terrible for remembering your technical limits. We’re not talking super detailed here. We’re talking generalities here.You either know you have like a little bit left to your name so you get your spicy hot Cheetos and leave, or you know you can ball out a little and you get that deep dish frozen pizza or cheesy mac or whatever. No shame either way. Try your mightiest to pick a few items that make you the happiest - think salt, fat, acid, heat - and get the hell out. If you are in there for longer than 20 minutes, the facts are you’ve probably been there for 2 hours.

Grocery store stoner time is actually warped by physics, and is exponentially longer than sober, non-grocery time.

Try to remember that cheese is the most important item, and that if you can’t eat cheese your best bet is lactaid pills and vegan ice cream in case you somehow end up with cheese anyway.

Make your escape

car speeding away blearily into the distance

Okay, you are going to pick what to eat and get out (I say, as if it were that easy - yes I promise it will eventually happen). Once you have in some fashion checked out or acquired food, you will need to get to the exit and then make it to the place you live or where you are going to sleep tonight. Sometimes those places are not the same.

Do you have a phone? What is a phone? Is there a thing in your pocket that you use to look at cat pictures that you have silenced that has eight missed calls on it? That thing can be used to contact outside forces.

The people on that thing may be able to help you get from point A to point B. There might also be some kind of app on there that has a driving service, and some third party might be able to tolerate you long enough to get you and your melting ice cream or cheese back to your destination if you can remember where it is and input it into the cat photo device called a phone in your pocket. You’ve got this. Sometimes the person driving the ride share will have little water bottles for you. Ask if you can have one. Make sure it’s water and then drink one. Bam, you might even make it home soon.


comedic image of trophy for making it home while high on cannabis

Bingo, somehow you have made it back to the den. Time to put the melting whatever it is in the freezer. Eat the cheese thing. Pop the burrito in the microwave. Good job, my friend you have successfully at this point acquired nutrients and made it back to the hiding place. Now what? Well time to watch a good show or Beavis and Butthead. Now how on earth did you get here?

It’s because you ate it

Turns out eating cannabis is an entirely different process and hits you entirely differently than smoking it, vaporizing it, or otherwise inhaling it. Why is that, you ask? Ah well, digestion! What is it about cannabinoids that takes such a sudden turn when you eat them versus smoking them?

The human process of digestion can take anywhere between 30 minutes and 2 hours to make cannabinoids available and often when they set in, it can seem very sudden, especially for a person who is not used to oral intake.

So yes, even if you are a regular smoker, if you took an edible right before taking a “quick trip to the store” and then woke up in the vegetable aisle, that’s why.

Green Blazer specializes in selling Raw pre-roll cones and accessories, but that doesn’t mean we don’t know our stuff surrounding edibles, come ups, and general weed etiquette. This is one of many articles in our series in our new Stoner’s Survival Guide.

Got Questions you want answered? Drop them in the comments and you might see it answered in future Stoner Survival Guides! 

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