Stoner’s Survivors Guide: You're Going to Class

Sir, m’am - don’t ask me why you decided to sign up for this class. And don’t ask me why you decided to roll out of bed higher than a motherfucker today. Instead, ask me how you are going to get through this class. Because this last question, I can answer you: very carefully. Faithful reader, I am a college graduate - and to your wonder I did much of it, like you, in some form of inebriation or intoxication, but should weed count? That might be a question for a different day. As I see it, reefer can, under the right conditions, help certain liberal arts majors make it through a certain amount of required Chaucer or whatever the fuck they’re making kids read nowadays. Dante’s Inferno? Only makes sense on za, in my humble opinion. The Iliad? All 8 billion pages of rippling nipples and raging testosterone that some British senior citizen who likes white marble a little too much will insist is the cornerstone of Western Civilization? Yeah if you can get through the Catalogue of Ships without a little marijuana I’d like to hear about it. Hell, maybe if the goddamn Greeks had been a little zooted they could have shut the fuck up for ten minutes and done, I don’t know, literally anything else. Shit, maybe Achilles could have put some CBD oil on his stupid ankle. As for you chemists or people who want save lives, you’re fucked and I can’t help you. Good luck dissecting frogs or making meth that doesn’t explode in class.

Getting Through The Lecture

The lecture will be the hardest part to get through because the nature of a (bad) lecture is that of a one-sided conversation. In my opinion, a good lecture is one that engages the listener and prompts them to want to engage the material. For example, one of the best lectures I have ever been to began with the professor playing a sample of Big Mama Thornton before playing a sample of Elvis singing Thornton’s song, Hound Dog. This was not a lecture that was about music, or about any 20th century movement, but instead about classics, and in fact touched on art in between Ancient Egypt and Greece. But yes, at the age of 18, I even began to sob a bit. I had never heard of Big Mama Thornton, but I had heard of Elvis. Her name had been hidden from me. I was so angry. I was invested in hearing what else had been hidden from me. I wanted to hear about Egypt. I was hooked for the next hour, trust me. If you can make through the lecture, do your best. If you can’t so be it. If you end up crying because something has been unveiled, well, you know that’s also understandable because you might be high, allegedly. 

But Now It’s time For a Conference

There is only one way to make it through this situation safely, and that is to find the stupidest, loudest person in the class and disagree with them. If they think Achilles was right because he stormed into battle, Achilles was wrong and should have waited. It doesn’t matter what battle. If the lecture about the brotherly relationship between Achilles and Patroclus really shook Loud & Stupid to his core, odds are the lecture was actually a familiar and trite take that scholars have been giving throughout the ages - the same take we’ve heard classists give over and over, and maybe we should push further and talk about the deeply homosexual passion obvious to anyone who isn’t afraid to admit it. Speak briefly but securely in your disagreement with Loud & Stupid and let him dig himself into the grave after speaking your piece and you’ll have done your work for the day and stunned your professor into believing you both read the text and engaged the lecture seriously, even though all you did was find the loudest, wrongest asshole in the room.

 Write High, Edit Sober

Lastly if you are on a deadline and have to write any papers or creative assignments while reefed the hell out, do it! My only advice is that, if you must write inebriated, edit sober. This is the way, it is known.

******

Green Blazer specializes in selling Raw pre-roll cones and accessories, but that doesn’t mean we don’t know our stuff surrounding edibles, come ups, and general weed etiquette. This is one of many articles in our series in our new Stoner’s Survival Guide. Got Questions you want answered? Drop them in the comments and you might see it answered in future Stoner Survival Guides!